one messed up dot hack fic
by demonoftheblackflames
Summary: UPDATED! CHAPTERS 6 AND PART ONE OF CHAPTER 7! The intro to an extrememly weird wedding than..part one of the wedding....read if ya wanna find out who gets married....well enjoy!....STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO OF CHAPTER 7.. and possibly a few more updates s
1. first time

Dotbf and Vtm: HI!!!!! AND WELCOME TO ONE MESSED UP .HACK FIC!!!!!!!

Vtm: Better be prepared to be DEEPLY disturbed!!

Dotbf: Yeah, this whole story is like one big hodge podge of stuff all mished mashed together!

Vtm: Hodge podge..such a fun word he..he..Well before we get started lets do the disclaimer!

Dotb: (nods)

Vtm: (tugs on a rope that pulls up a curtain revealing Vash holding up a sign)  
THE SIGN READS:  
Disclaimer for chapter one! Dotbf and Vtm DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF .HACK WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing owned by them in this chapter is Tyoki owned by Dotbf....

Vash: (Drops the sign) AND I AM OWNED BY....UH....NOT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dotbf and Vtm: (sweatdrop) Vtm: Heh....well anyway! Lets get onto the story shall we!!!!!!

Dotbf: WE SHALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Chapter one!  
  
Eighteen year old Tyoki put on her headset and logged into "The World" for the first time. She looked around curiously. "Hmm....uh..where do I start?" she asked herself. She shrugged.

"Well..I guess the best thing to do would be to explore first and see what's out there.." she sighed and started walking.

"Umm..well..there's a lot of..uh..water.."

"....Very observant...." A passerby said sarcastically. Tyoki glared at the person from the corner of her eye and kept walking. She finally stopped near a pier and once again scanned her surroundings. About halfway through her "scan" she stopped. Her mouth dropped open.

"Oh my god....he's so hot...." She said in a dream like state. Tyoki stared at the longarm for a few more seconds. She suddenly shook her head, rapidly blinked her eyes and came back to reality. She saw that he was leaving. She raised a lone finger in the air.

"I MUST FOLLOW HIM!!!!" she said in a determined voice. The people surrounding her stared at the loudmouthed twinblade for a second then returned to whatever they were doing. An embarrassed look coated Tyoki's face.

"Heh..heh..oh well.." she quickly looked from side to side then straight ahead.

"Aha! There's my love! I shall follow!" she said in a quieter tone so as to not draw anymore attention. Tyoki flashed a small evil grin. She proceeded to follow her target at a safe distance. She saw him walking towards a chaos gate. She stopped and tilted her head to the side.

"What is that weird floaty circle thingy!?" Tyoki questioned. The red longarm suddenly disappeared. Tyoki's eyes widened and she started freaking out.

"Oh no!!!!! IT ATE HIM!!!!!!" Tyoki shrieked quietly. She took a deep breath.

"No matter..i'll put myself in harms way to save the hot guy with the spear!" Tyoki said dashing towards the chaos gate.

"Um..uh..lets see..I just.." and in a matter of moments she transferred to some kind of desert field.

"Hmm..humm.." she rapidly looked around.

"Where is he..where is he.." she ran around a cactus and looked inside it.

"Spear guy are you in here!!"....no response. She rapidly ran around a different cactus a couple more times looking for him before she got dizzy. She stopped and tumbled a great deal. Finally she came to her senses..or not..she sniffled a couple times.

"I'M LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed her loudest,streaming tears ran down her face.

dotbf: well hope ya liked it!!!!

vtm: yeah read and review

dotbf and vtm: please and thank you!!!!


	2. crossing paths

Dotbf: That was chapter one! Now for chapter two!!!!!!

Vtm: Yes! And without further a due here is the disclaimer!!!!!

Dotbf: (Yanks on a rope and a curtain comes up to reveal Jack Sparrow with a keg of rum....)

Vtm: JACK PUT THE KEG DOWN!!!!!

Jack: NO!!!!!!! Vtm: For one minute.....after that we'll give u another keg..... Jack: (immediately puts down the keg..)  
THE KEG READS.....  
Again in this chapter we own NOTHING!!!!! Except Tyoki!

Jack: AND THEY DON'T OWN ME EITHER!!!!!!!! (picks up the keg and starts drinking again) Dotbf: (throws him another keg.....)

Vtm: (sighs....) he's hopeless! Dotbf: Well! Onto the story!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CHAPTER TWO!  
  
A few weeks and a lot of level ups later Tyoki had become much stronger. She had also learned many mysteries of "The world" such as what is a chaos gate and how to use it.....

Tyoki: "HEY! I'M NOT THAT MUCH OF AN IDIOT....anymore....I think...." These days Tyoki has gained a new hobby, player killing and collecting member addresses of guys.

Tyoki: HEY! NOT JUST ANY GUY! They have to be cute!!!!  
For now our story continues in a dungeon where Sora can be seen dancing about hooting and hollering like a drunkard.

"WOOOOOOOOO WOOOP!" Sora said as he did a back flip and continued his silly dance.

"Its so boring can't find any pretty ladies to steal member addresses from..la la la la la....." Sora said in a singsong voice. All of a sudden a voice out of nowhere then said:

"Tell me..are all the boys around here fruits like you?" Sora then looked around for a second.

"Who's there...." He growled. Out of nowhere someone jumped out and put two blades up to his neck. It was Tyoki.

"Wha....what the!" Sora screamed.

"Shut up.." Tyoki tightened her grip "and give me your member address!!" she demanded.

"Sorry..but that's my game!" Sora said in a slight hiss. After this Tyoki tightened her grip to the point where Sora had trouble breathing. Sora took a deep breath and began to make a stand.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEE!!!!! I DID NOTHING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He whined. '....This guys pathetic....' She thought silently. She then released him. Sora looked at her slightly puzzled. "W..why did you let me go...."

Tyoki looked at him and said: "Two reasons..one you're not that cute..and two..you're a wimp!" Sora looked at her dumbfounded.

"W..what did you say...." And with that Tyoki walked away.

"Okay..so how many more floors do we have to go.." Mimiru whined.

"Oh cut it out its just about one more floor..we're almost done.." Tsukasa said. Bear laughed.

"Well I can see you two are getting along well.." Mimiru suddenly stuck her tongue out at Bear. It was then Tsukasa's turn to laugh.

"And I see the same goes for you!" she said. From the shadows Tyoki watched as the party made their way through the dungeon.

"Ooh..more addresses to add to my collection!" She then crept back further into the shadows. The party then reached the bottom of the last flight of stairs.

"Finally....the last flight of stairs!" Mimiru said relieved. "Anyway....I guess the treasure room shouldn't be much farther..right guys!?" There was no answer.

"Hey! Did you guys hear me??" Mimiru asked as she looked at them. "Huh!?" she said. There standing in front of Bear and Tsukasa..blades up to their necks was Tyoki.

"Member addresses please!" Tyoki said in a cheerful tone. Bear and Tsukasa looked at each other slightly confused. They looked back.

"What.." They both said at the same time looking at her.

"I said member addresses please...." She said impatiently while pressing the blades harder against their throats. Pissed off, Mimiru stomped over to them.

"Hey! Who the HELL do you think you are!!" Mimiru screamed.

"I'm Tyoki..a twinblade..and I collect member addresses from cute and strong guys.." Bear and Tsukasa looked at each other once more.

"....But..i'm a girl!" Tsukasa said. Tyoki immediately released Tsukasa and pointed a single finger at her.

"INTERNET TRANSVESTITE!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO!?" Tyoki screamed, still holding onto Bear. Bear, Mimiru, and Tsukasa developed sweat drops. After that little moment, Bear immediately took advantage of the opportunity to escape and shoved Tyoki away knocking her down. Mimiru then ran up to Tyoki and put her sword up to the twinblade's throat.

"..Okay..okay..look ya got me..I'm sorry for snaking up on you guys like that.." Tyoki said putting one hand on Mimiru's blade and pushing it slowly away. Mimiru thrusted the sword back towards Tyoki.

"How do we know you're telling the truth!!" Mimiru demanded. Tyoki sighed heavily.

"..Look..if you don't wanna believe me that's your choice..but if you'll just give me a minute to explain that the reason I bought this game was to meet guys and make real friends since my mom doesn't let me hang out with guys at all. She sent me to an all girls school and she even kicked my father and two four year old brothers out of the house right when I was born!" Tyoki said in one breath. Bear, Mimiru, and Tsukasa stood speechless. Tyoki took a moment to regain her breath before she started speaking again. "In fact when I was only five my mom gave me the WHOLE sex talk....In other words..Oh I don't her to get married and have miniature Tyoki's that'll reek havoc upon the world!!" Tyoki said imitating her mom on that last part. Once again Bear, Tsukasa, and Mimiru developed sweat drops.

"Whoa..that is REALLY over protective!" Bear said. Tsukasa was too shocked to say anything, so she just nodded.

"OVER PROTECTIVE MY ASS! THAT LADY'S NUTS!!!!" Mimiru screamed.

"Hmm..well..if you don't have any friends yet..you can hang out with us.." Tsukasa offered.

"W..what..WAIT A MINUTE! SHE TRIED TO KILL YOU..A..AND NOW YOU'RE BEING NICE TO HER!!!!" Mimiru screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Oh stop! You've been whining and complaining all day!" Tsukasa said rolling her eyes.

"Hmm..maybe it's that time of the month..ya know.." Tyoki said. Bear and Tsukasa looked at Tyoki and Mimiru. They slowly inched away.

"Oh..we..see.." Bear and Tsukasa said at the same time. "Well lets go somewhere and take a break from exploring." Bear suggested. Everyone agreed. They headed out of the dungeon. Tsukasa and Bear kept their distance from Mimiru and Tyoki.

vtm: well that's chapter two for ya!!

dotbf: hope ya liked it!!

vtm and dotbf: R&R and tell us what u thought....


	3. crims big secret

Vtm: Third chapter!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!  
Dotbf: Get ready for more insaneness..if that's even a word..  
Vtm: (sweat drop)....yeah..well anyway..disclaimer time!!!!!!!! (pops in  
tekken 3 into her ps2..the game turns on and all of a sudden Lei Wulong  
jumps out of the TV.  
Lei: What do you want this time??  
Vtm: Disclaimer please....  
Lei:..Oh..right..(strikes a kung fu pose..and punches his fist out..)  
THE RIGHT FIST READS:  
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER FOR CHAPTER THREE!!!! WE  
OWN NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Lei: (punches out other fist)  
THE LEFT FIST READS:  
The only thing we own is Tyoki (property of demonoftheblackflames) and  
Lorelei (owned by veronica the mischievous)  
Lei: (does a few more kung fu moves) and I'm owned by the makers of the  
tekken games!  
Vtm and Dotbf: NOW ON WITH THE FIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CHAPTER 3!  
"Yeah..i've been on a writing spree ever since last week!" Bear said  
as the four friends hung around a pier in Mac Anu.  
"..And I've enjoyed school ever since Bear adopted me." Tsukasa said.  
"Oh well that's good.." Mimiru said.  
"Oh and guess what! Bear and Lorelei went on another date..and when they  
got back to Bear's place they kissed on the porch! I know cause I spied on  
them through a window!" Tsukasa said laughing.  
"Ya know you didn't have to mention that....wait..you did WHAT!?" Bear said  
"Ahh..you two are getting' pretty close.." Mimiru commented as she nudged  
Bear a couple of times. Tyoki sighed.  
"Being in love sure sounds nice....but relationships sound wonderful...." She  
said in a dream-like state.  
"uh..huh..wonderful.." Mimiru said. She looked at Tyoki. "Um..are you  
okay.."  
"Hmm..oh..yeah im fine..I just saw the most wonderful cutest, hottest,  
se.."  
"OKAY OKAY WE GET THE POINT!" Mimiru interrupted.  
"What did he look like?" Tsukasa asked.  
"Hm..dreamy yellow eyes..red clothes, and. blue broomstick hair.." Tyoki  
said nearly drooling.  
"Oh..you mean Crim.." Bear said.  
"Oh brother.." Mimiru said. Tyoki gasped.  
"YOU KNOW HIM!!!!!!"  
"Uh..yeah so do Tsukasa and Mimiru.." bear replied.  
'PING..' Bear got an email. He checked it.  
"Mm..Hmm.." he said.  
"WHAT IS IT!! WHAT IS IT!!" Tyoki asked.  
"Um..that's what we call an email Tyoki.." Bear replied.Oh..well in that  
case..WHO IS IT! WHO IS IT!" Tyoki said dying to know.  
"It's Crim..he's inviting BT and I to a dungeon.  
"OOH! OOH! SO ARE YA GONNA INTRODUCE US OR SOMETHING!!" Tyoki asked  
energetically. Her eyes were beaming.  
"Uh..aren't you a little too young to be chasing after older guys?" How old  
are you anyway..seven?" Bear said.  
"..Huh.." Mimiru said.  
"HEY! Just because I'm older doesn't mean I can't have a little fun!" Tyoki  
snapped.  
"Oh..so then you're eight!?" Mimiru said. Tyoki glared at Mimiru.  
"I'M EIGHTEEN!!!! You must be the eight year old cause you sure do act  
immature..I mean..what..with all the whining.." Tyoki said.  
"WHY YOU!!!!!!" Mimiru said.  
"Okay that's it..i'm going in.." Bear said. He jumped in between the two  
girls.  
"OKAY OKAY STOP IT OR It's the RIVER FOR THE BOTH OF YOU!!" Bear said in a  
strict tone.  
"You wouldn't.." Mimiru said.  
Before they knew it Tyoki and Mimiru were nearly drowning in the  
river.  
"HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!" Mimiru screamed.  
"HEY! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT PROVOKED HIM!!" Tyoki screamed back.  
"DID NOT!" Mimiru snapped back.  
"DID TOO!!" Tyoki screamed back. Suddenly they heard a noise and looked to  
the side. A boat was racing towards them. They both screamed and swam to  
the shore as quickly as they could.  
"Ya know..I think that was a bit to harsh.." bear said.  
"Nah..they were askin' for it.." Tsukasa replied. Bear walked away towards  
the chaos gate.  
  
Crim was waiting outside of a dungeon. A few seconds later he saw  
Bear in the distance.  
"Hey Bear! Over here!" Crim said. Bear waved and walked towards Crim.  
"Hey what's up?" Bear said when he reached the dungeon. Suddenly they  
heard a female voice.  
"HEY! HI GUYS!" BT yelled running towards them. When BT reached them she  
tripped and fell in front of Crim. Crim and Bear let out a little laugh.  
BT got up instantly. She was red with embarrassment.  
"Well lets go!!" she said pushing Crim and Bear into the dungeon. They  
walked halfway into the hall. Suddenly they were attacked by a monster.  
Each member in the party took their fighting stance and attacked. Crim  
lunged onto monster's back and started stabbing it with his spear. Bear  
ran in and started slashing the monsters lower torso. BT then ran into  
attack, but the monster's tail was swinging rapidly back and forth. It hit  
BT smacking her into a brick wall.  
"..Ow.." she said. Bear and Crim delivered the final blow. The monster  
vanished.  
"Geez..that was a toughie!" Crim said sarcastically.  
"Apparently someone begs to differ.." Bear said pointing to BT. Crim  
looked at her and laughed.  
"Oh my god! You've got to be kidding! That was one of the easiest monsters  
to beat!" Crim said. The two guys walked over to BT and helped her up. A  
few seconds later BT regained her senses.  
"So BT..what's your level again? Two?" Bear teased. BT glared at him.  
"Um..ya know as much as I'd hate to interrupt your little "pow wow" there  
is another reason why I asked you both here.." Crim said.  
"..Oh..well spill it then!" Bt said.  
"Well..ya know..its kinda weird actually..I mean I just don't understand  
it. I can't explain this thing that has happened to me.." Crim said.  
"Uh..what do you mean exactly?" Bear asked a little confused.  
"Well..okay you see I like girls...I really REALLY do..however I also feel  
a slight attraction towards guys too.." Crim explained. Bear backed away  
slowly.  
"Uh..and you're telling us this because...." Bear said a little afraid of the  
answer he'd get.  
"Well..you see I hang out with BT often enough ..so I feel comfortable  
talking to her.. and you've lived much longer and are much older and wiser  
than I!" Crim said.  
"Um..um..um..' was all Bear could say as he took a few steps back.  
"Wait..wait..just here me out for a sec..I mean..I know I'm not gay..cause  
I LOVE girls..but..I feel this strangely strong attraction towards guys  
to..uh..you think I'm..uh..bi?" Crim asked.  
"Well seeing as the definition of bi is liking both guys and girls in more  
than one way..i'd say yeah.." Bear replied.  
"Well yeah its kinda obvious you are!!" BT said.  
"Um..uh..well..I uh..gotta go now! I remover there's..um..something that I  
gotta do!! Uh..bye!!" Bear said as he ran out of the dungeon and towards  
the chaos gate.  
"NO!!!! WAIT!!!!" Crim yelled after Bear. Bear stopped and turned around.  
"I NEED YOU!!!!" Crim said running towards him.  
"AHH!!" Bear said dashing towards the chaos gate. BT walked up to Crim.  
She put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Ahh..yes..rejection can hurt.." BT said. Crim inched away from BT.  
"Yeah..and you must be an expert in that field!" Crim said.  
"Hmph!" BT said. So what kind of girls do you like?" she asked.  
"Uh..sorry BT but..I only go for younger girls."  
"BUT..I'M NOT OLD!!" BT said feeling insulted.  
"But..you act old..How old are you anyway?" Crim asked. BT'S face filled  
with anger and rage.  
"ARGH!! IDIOT YOU DON'T ASK A LADY HER AGE!!!!" BT yelled smacking Crim on  
the head with her staff.  
"Who said you were a lady?" Crim shot back while rubbing his head. BT  
immediately ran away.  
"DAMN THAT'S THE.... Thirteen..fourteen..fifteen..yeah..FIFTEENTH PERSON THAT  
RAN AWAY FROM ME WHEN I TRIED TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS SUBJECT!!!!" Crim  
said walking out of the dungeon.  
  
Bear had just gated back into Mac Anu looking like he had just seen a  
ghost.  
"...." Mimiru, Tsukasa, and Tyoki looked at Bear confused.  
"Uh..are you okay?" Mimiru asked. Bear shook his head.  
"I'VE BEEN SCARED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!" Bear screamed as he logged out.  
"Well..I better go check up on him..CYA!!" Tsukasa said.. Mimiru and Tyoki  
said their good byes. Tsukasa waved and logged off.  
"Well..I better go now..I remember I have some chores to do.." Tyoki said.  
"Yeah..me too.." Mimiru said.  
"..But..before I go I just wanna say I'm sorry about earlier.." Tyoki  
apologized.  
"Oh..that's okay..i'm totally over it!! Actually now that I look back on it  
we were acting like a couple of eight year olds!" Mimiru said.Tyoki laughed  
a bit.  
"Yeah..well..friends?" Tyoki asked extending her hand.  
"Yeah..sure.." Mimiru said accepting the handshake. Afterwards they both  
logged off. Immediately after the two girls left. Crim gated into Mac  
Anu. He threw his hands in the air.. his spear flew out of his hands and  
pierced Silver Knight's head.  
"NOBODY LOVES ME!!!!" Crim screamed as tears streamed down his face.  
Vtm: Well that's it for this chapter!!  
Dotbf: Yup please review..and if u just scrolled down..  
Vtm: GO BACK AND READ!!  
Dotbf: Yup! you're missin lots of good action! laugh  
Vtm and Dotbf: Well CYA!!!! 


	4. just plain weird

Vtm: Chapter four!  
Dotbf: YAY!!!!  
Vtm: Now time for the disclaimer!  
Dotbf: (takes out a megaphone) YUGI!!!! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!!!!  
Yugi: (rushes over to the authoresses) Yeesh! You could ask a little nicer  
ya know! So what do ya need?  
Vtm: Disclaimer..  
Yugi: ..huh..  
Dotbf: The disclaimer..u know the thing that states what doesn't belong to  
us!  
Yugi: Oh yeah that thing..uh..where is it..  
Dotbf: I't's supposed to be written on your millennium puzzle!!!!  
Yugi: (looks at his millennium puzzle)  
(Suddenly Yami popped out of the puzzle)  
Yami: Has anyone seen my hair gel?  
Everyone stares at his face  
Yami: What? WHY ARE YOU ALL STARING AT ME!?!?  
Yugi: The disclaimer..it must've bled through the puzzle and  
now..well..it's on you're face....  
Yami: WHAT!? It washes off right?  
Dotbf: Well..yeah..  
Yami: Well that's good..  
Vtm:..In about 4-8 weeks  
Yami: WHAT!?  
Yugi: Heh..heh..  
Vtm: Well..lets get on with the disclaimer for this chapter shall we..  
YAMI'S FACE READS  
We own NOTHING of .hack or Yugioh whatsoever!!!! But Dotbf owns Tyoki and  
Vtm(veronica the mischevious) owns Lorelei.  
  
CHAPTER 4  
The next day in Mac Anu Bear, Mimiru, Tsukasa, and Tyoki were hanging  
around their usual spot by the pier. At this point Tyoki was annoying  
everyone with her love songs about Crim. Bear hadn't said anything to the  
love sick twinblade yet.  
'Should I say something?' Bear thought. Suddenly he heard two voices and  
they both sounded strangely like his own. He looked on his shoulders and  
shure enough a chibi angel and devil bear were perched on on each shoulder.  
"Yeah go ahead shatter her dreams!" the devil Bear said.  
"No! Think twice about this!" the angel Bear said.  
"What's there to think about! It's a simple two step process..first you  
must open your big fat yap and blurt out that the dork with the tacky  
hairdo is bi. Then the all important step two..and my personal  
favorite..scare the livin' shit outta everyone!! Now doesn't that sound  
like fun!" the devil said.  
"Oh please..don't listen to him..just keep that trapt of yours shut! That's  
all it takes!" the angel said.  
"Oh come on! Just do it!" the devil screamed in Bear's ear.  
"Do what?" the angel asked.  
"Ah..Now who has the devilish mind..ya know God don't like people like  
that..pretty soon you'll find yourself down here with me!" the devil said.  
Suddenly Bear felt two hands on his shoulders. He jumped and the two  
shoulder monkeys flew into oblivion.  
"Man..you're really jumpy today aren't ya!"  
Bear recognized that voice and turned around.  
"Lorelei.." Bear said.  
"Hey!" Lorelei replied. "So..what's goin' on here?" she asked.  
"Oh nothin' really.." Bear responded.  
  
Tyoki continued her singing in a kind of off key way. Mimiru  
was getting really annoyed that she finally hit Tyoki on the head with the  
hilt of her sword.  
"Okay okay we get the freakin' point! You love Crim and you think he's the  
sexiest thing to ever set foot on this earth..now could you PLEASE CUT IT  
WITH THE BAD SINGING!!" Mimiru said. Tyoki rubbed her head.  
"Well geez..ya could've jsut asked instead of resorting to drastic measures  
lil miss PMS girl!" Tyoki replied.  
"Wha..WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?" Mimiru argued.  
"You heard me!" Tyoki said.  
"Ya know Mimiru she's got a point.." Tsukasa replied. Mimiru glared at  
Tsukasa and shoved Tyoki into the river. Tyoki screamed as she made a big  
splash.  
Bear and Lorelei walked to the edge and looked in. Bear shook his  
head. Lorelei laughed a bit.  
"My aren't they a bright bunch.." she said.  
Mimiru turned her attention back towards Tsukasa.  
"Hey..so did Bear mention anything about what happened yesterday?" Mimiru  
asked.  
"Nope..but he did keep repeating the phrase.."That was disturbing!"..I  
swear..even in his sleep he was saying it!" Tsukasa explained.  
"Dang! Then it had to have been something BIG in order to freak him out  
like that!" Mimiru said. Tsukasa nodded. At that moment Mimiru felt a  
hand on her leg. Suddenly she fell in the water as Tyoki climbed out.  
"Have a nice swim!" Tyoki said to Mimiru.  
"Why you!" Mimiru said climbing out. Just then Bear spotted something in  
the distance.  
"Oh shit..its Crim.." Bear said.  
"CRIM!! WHERE!!" Tyoki said looking around rapidly. Bear grabbed Lorelei  
and Tsukasa by the arm.  
"Time to go!" Bear said running. Crim recognized Bear and started running  
towards them. Tyoki just stood there staring at Crim.  
"Tyoki..hello? Earth to Tyoki!!" Mimiru said. Bear looked back. He ran  
back to Tyoki and Mimiru and jerked them away.  
"NO! CRIM!!" Tyoki said. crim got to where Mimiru and Tyoki were standing.  
"NO!! WAIT! TSUKASA! MIMIRU! BEAR!..And..uh..TWO OTHER CHICS WHOM I DON'T  
KNOW! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!!" Crim yelled after them. Bear looked back.  
Crim was gaining on them. Bear ran even faster.  
"What's going on Bear?" Lorelei yelled after him. Mimiru scratched her  
head.  
"Uh..what's goin on here?" she asked confused.  
"Um..something tells me that we don't wanna know." Tsukasa replied.  
"Uh..you're probably right." Mimiru said.  
"It concerns my beloved Crim! I must know!" Tyoki said looking back and  
sighing.  
"Tyoki..you're an idiot.." Mimiru replied.  
"Thank you..hey!!" Tyoki replied.  
"Like I said.." Mimiru siad.  
Suddenly BT jumped out of the shadows right in front the gang. Bear  
stopped with a quick skid, but Mimiru, Tsukasa, Lorelei, and Tyoki bumped  
into one another knowcking each other down.  
"HEY! WHATS THE BIG IDEA!" Mimiru demanded.  
"BT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE RUNNING FROM A  
CRAZED LUNATIC!!" Bear yelled shaking BT back and forth really rapidly.  
"Hm..huh.." BT said looking around. She then spotted Crim.  
"Oh..him.."  
"Mimiru get off me!" Tsukasa yelled.  
"I would..if two other people weren't on top of me!!" Mimiru yelled. Crim  
spotted the little pile up.  
"Ooh! wait for me! Wait for me!" Crim yelled running even faster towards  
the pile up.  
"AHH! GET OFF! GET OFF!" Tsukasa screamed struggling even harder to get out  
from underneath the three other girls. Bear looked back.  
"Oh no watch out he's gonna attack you!!!!" Bear yelled. Just as Crim was  
about to jump on top of the pile up Bear yanked Tsukasa out from the pile.  
The other girls scattered and Crim did a flying faceplant onto the ground.  
"Well..that should teach him a lesson about trying to take advantage of  
girls like that!" Bear said. Crim slowly got up.  
"..But what about guys?" he asked.  
"CRIM!!" Tyoki said preparing to run towards him. Bear grabbed her arm and  
forced her back.  
"Leave him be..think of him as toxic poison..don't go near him" Bear said.  
Tyoki looked at him blankly.  
"Geez everyone what's the big idea! I just wanna tell you aobut my new  
hobby!" Crim said.  
"Uh.." Bear said.  
"TELL US! TELL US!" Tyoki said energetically.  
"CROSSDRESSING!!" I tried it yesterday and I loved it! It makes me feel  
so..FREE!!" Crim explained. Everyone stared at him.  
"You just had to open you're big mouth..didn't you.." Bear said.  
"Eep..sorry!" Tyoki siad.  
"HERE! I'LL GIVE YOU A DEMONSTRATION!!" Crim said grabbing Mimiru.  
"GET YOUR HANDS OFFA ME YOU FREAKIN' PERV!!!!" Mimiru screamed as she broke  
free of Crim's grip.  
"Hmph..fine then..i've got something more entertaining anyway! I just came  
back from Indonesia and I learned two very interesting things. PREPARE TO  
BE AMAZED!!!!" Crim said. He got into a weird position and began this  
strange dance. Random exotic music could be heard in the background. Crim  
did his closing pose as the music ceased. "AND THAT MY FRIENDS WAS THE  
MATING CALL OF THE SILVER YAK!!" Everyone stared at Crim like he was  
nuts..and he is.  
Suddenly Silver Knight came around the corner. He spotted Crim.  
Crim saw him coming. "OH MY GOD I CALLED FOR A SILVER YAK NOT A SILVER  
IDIOT!" Crim screamed.  
"I LOVE YOU!" Silver Knight said running towards Crim. The stupid Knight  
pounced on Crim.  
"AHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IF OFF ME!!" Crim panicked.  
"..But..you're bi..I thought you liked that kinda thing!" BT said.  
Everyone looked at BT.  
"Did..you say..Crim's..BI?!?!" Tsukasa said.  
"Preciesly.." BT replied. Everyone then shifted their attention to Crim  
and stared at him shocked as Crim stabbed Silver Knight and chucked him to  
the other side of Mac Anu.  
"YES! IT'S ALL TRUE!!: Bear said looking tramatized.  
"Yeah..Crim tried to hit on Bear.." BT said.  
"Shut up or i'll ring your neck!!" Bear said. Suddenly Lorelei latched  
onto Bear's arm.  
"MINE!" she squealed.  
"..Bitch.." BT said. Lorelei heard this and glared at her. Just then a  
bolt of lightning struck BT.  
"Uhhhh...." Tyoki said in a daze.  
"Huh...." Mimiru said turning towards Tyoki.  
"He's..uhh...." Tyoki fainted.  
"Uhh...." Mimiru started poking her. "Are you dead.." Crim saw this.  
"I know what'll wake her up!" Crim said. A lightbulb appeared over his  
head. Then it shut off and crashed on his head. "THE MATING CALL OF THE  
WILD ANTELOPE!! NYAK!! NYAAAK!!" Crim screamed.  
"Uh..that's new.." Lorelei said still latched onto Bear. Silver Knight  
came bounding around the corner again. Crim spotted him.  
"Oh no not again!" Crim said. Crim dashed toward Silver Knight and beat  
the hell outta him.  
Just as Crim punched Silver Knight into the chaos gate transporting  
him to another place in "The World" Subaru gated in. She gasped then  
screamed at the top of her lungs.  
"TSUKASA!! I LOVE YOU!!" Subaru ran towards Tsukasa as fast as she could  
"KISS ME!!" she yelled as she reached her.  
"Eew!! I..uh..like you..but..not like that you sicko!!" Tsukasa yelled  
inching away from Subaru. Then Crim popped up behind Subaru.  
"You know if you want to get Tsukasa's attention all you have to do is  
preform the mating dance of the silver yak..it's gaurenteed to get you what  
you want!" Crim replied. Subaru scratched her head.  
"Uh..I can't dance..but I can do this..NYAK! NYAAAK!!" Subaru said.  
Once again Silver Knight..who may we add at this point was all beat  
up..ran towards Subaru. Crim got out of the way.  
"OH M'LADY YOU DO LOVE ME!!" Silver Knight said jumping on Subaru.  
"AHH! GET OFF ME! GET THIS FUCKER OFFA ME!!" Subaru screamed. Everyone  
stared in shock. Tsukasa gasped.  
"She swore!" Tsukasa said.  
"man..it really sucks to be her right now.." Bear said looking away from  
Subaru and Silver Knight..just because he didn't want to be scarred for  
life..again. Crim suddenly appeared behind Bear.  
"So?" Crim said. Lorelei growled at Crim and bit off his ear.  
"There..now he's sporting a Van Gogh!" she said. Crim screamed in agony.  
"I'VE GOT RABIES!!" he screamed. Mimiru looked back at Tyoki.  
"Hmm..Now how would I go about waking her up? She's missing lots of good  
stuff!" Mimiru said. "Oh! I know!" Mimiru knelt down beside Tyoki and  
whispered in her ear. "Crim says he likes you.." Tyoki immediatly sprang  
up just in time to see Crim trip over Silver Knight and Subaru (who are  
currenly busy ) and fall off the bridge.  
"AHH! CAN'T SWIM!! NEED HELP!!" Crim yelled while splashing like hell.  
Tyoki ran to the edge and looked down into the water. Everyone else except  
Silver Knight and Subaru also rushed over to the bridge. Just as the last  
of them got there Crim got rammed with a speeding gondala. "..Ow.." Crim  
said flatly as he sank into the murky depth.  
"Huh.." Kite, who was steering the gondala, looked back. "Oh..uh..sorry  
dude.." Kite said. "O SOLE MIO...." Kite sang as the boat floated away.  
"Damn..that had to hurt! Tsukasa said. Tyoki shook her head.  
"..That poor poor hot guy..never even stood a chance.." she said.  
  
END OF CHAPTER 4....  
NOT!!!!  
Nope..in fact Silver Knight and Subaru lived happily ever after with  
four children in which Subaru so affectionatly named: Fuck Head, Ugly  
Fucker, Fuck u, and John. May we add that John was the only normal child  
of the bunch that graduated and worked at Wendy's.  
Everyone was strapped to the wall except Silver Knight and Subaru.  
"Guess what! I'M A DADDY!!" Silver Knight said shoving about twelve cigars  
in everyone's mouth. He lit them and waited. "Huh..wait a minute..how  
come they didn't explode?" Silver Knight questioned. Then he put one in  
his mouth and lit it. The cigar exploded and blew Silver Knight to  
smitherines! Immediatly after the others mourned for about five seconds.  
Subaru drowned herself in her tears. Eveyone cheered happily. There  
now..that's the REAL ending..and a DAMN happy one at that!!!!  
Dotbf: AHH! ALL DONE!!  
Vtm: YEA!!  
Subaru: Crying NO!! ITS NOT HAPPY!!  
Dotbf and Vtm: look at Subaru  
Vtm: What the! You're supposed to be dead!  
Dotbf: Yeah! shoots Subaru with a giant machine gun There now!  
Vtm: Yeah..uh..  
Subaru: Raises her head READ AND..  
Vtm: Put Subaru though a trash compactor  
Trash compactor squishes Subaru  
Vtm and Dotbf: Cheering VERY loudly Well read and review..  
Dotbf: Well course is you're reading this then you probably already read  
the the story so REVIEW PLEASE!!!!  
Vtm and Dotbf: Well until next time!!!! Waving rapidly BYE!!!! 


	5. sora's pickle

Vtm: Hi all!! we're back with another crazy chapter!!!!  
Dotbf: Let me give you a warning now..this chapter can be very  
disturbing..well depending how you look at it!  
Vtm: Yeah..uh..well..  
Seto suddenly ran in and mooned everybody!!  
Sano and Kenshin popped up  
Sano and Kenshin: Blue moon! You saw me standing alone!!  
Random person in the audience: But..there's nothing there..  
Seto: Huh..  
Random person: holds up a mirror to Seto's backside  
Seto: looks in the mirror and discovers his ass is missing NOO!! MY  
ASS!! MY ASS IS GONE!! NO!! WHERE DID IT GO!!!!  
Dotbf: So where's the disclaimer..it was supposed to be on Seto's ass..but  
that well..gone..  
Vtm: So..uh..  
Suddenly Kenshin and Sano pull their pants down  
Dotbf and Vtm: Blink wide eyed  
Vtm: Well..um..okay..  
Dotbf: Uh..let's get on with the disclaimers for this chapter shall we....  
KENSHIN'S ASS READS:  
We DO NOT own any part of .hack or Rurouni Kenshin  
WHATSOEVER!!!!  
  
SANO'S ASS READS:  
However we do own Tyoki (dotbf) and Lorelei (vtm)..  
Dotbf and Vtm:....and Sora owns his pickle!!  
Sora: MY PICKLE!!  
Dotbf: Heh..well..on with the story!!!!  
  
CHAPTER 5  
Sora logged on. He looked around and almost immediatly spotted Crim  
and the others.  
LETS MOVE OVER TO THE CRIM CAM SHALL WE!?  
"So Mimiru are you..uh..free this Friday night?" Crim asked.  
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR PERVERTED HANDS TO  
YOURSELF!!!!" Mimiru said punching Crim. He flew right into Bear.  
"So..Bear what do you say..you..me..Friday night?" Crim asked.  
"BACK OFF!!" Lorelei said. Bear noticed Crim looking in Tsukasa's  
direction.  
"Oh no you don't!!" Bear said hiding Tsukasa behind him.  
NOW BACK TO THE REGULAR CAM!  
Sora walked over to them.  
"Hey everyone! GUESS WHAT I HAVE!! IT'S BIG! IT'S JUICY..and the best part  
is..IT'S IN MY PANTS!!" he said with excitement. Everyone stared at him  
with disgust.  
"YOU SICK PERVERT!!" everyone screamed at once. Crim looked at Sora and  
sighed dreamily.  
"I think i'm in love.." he said.  
"OH SHUT UP!!" everyone started chucking there weapons at Crim.  
"What..i'm just talking about my pickle...." Sora said reaching in his  
pants.  
"OH GROSS!!" everyone screamed and turned around.  
"It's a big one too!!" Sora said.  
AND NOW FOR SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!!  
Tsukasa: This is so disgusting!  
Mimiru: Crim and Sora are SO nasty!!  
Bear: I'm scarred! i'm scarred!!!!  
Lorelei: This day just gets stranger and stranger!!  
Tyoki: Crim's..what?  
Sora: PICKLES!!  
Crim: I'm a fuzzy bunny!!  
OKAY DONE WITH RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!!  
"Ooh!! can I hold it!!" Crim asked.  
"Sure.." Sora replied.  
At that moment BT joined them.  
"Hey everyone! What's up!?" she asked.  
"OH MY GOSH IT'S SO SMOOTH!! Can I taste it!?" Crim asked.  
"Sure!" Sora replied. Suddenly they heard a notoriously loud crunching  
sounds. Tsukasa flinched.  
"Ooh..that had to hurt!!" Tsukasa blurted out loud.  
"What are you talking about?" BT asked confused.  
"Um..trust me..you don't wanna know.." Mimiru replied.  
"Mmm..nice and juicy!" Crim exclaimed.  
"OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!" everyone screamed at once turning around.  
"Huh?" Crim and Sora said simaultaneously.  
"Y..you're holding a pickle..an..actual..pickle!!" Tsukasa said in shock.  
"Uh.." Sora looked at them puzzled. "..Yeah..like I said it was a pickle.  
Sora said. "WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT YOU PERVERTS!!!!"  
"WHA..WE'RE NOT THE PERVERTS YOU SICK PERVERT!!!!" Mimiru said. Crim then  
suddenly stared deeply into Sora's eyes. Crim shoved the pickle in Sora's  
mouth and put both hands on the twinblades shoulders.  
"I love you..can i have your child?" Crim said hugging the heck outta Sora.  
Crim prepared to kiss Sora. Just then Sora spit out the pickle....which  
got lodged in Crim's throat.  
"OH MY GOD YOU FREAK OF NATURE!!!!" Sora yelled. "Besides..I like  
girls!!!!" Everyone looked at Sora dumfounded. Crim was too busy gagging  
to say anything.  
"AH!!!!" Sora screamed running behind Tsukasa. "PROTECT ME PLEASE!!!!"  
Sora said in a squeaky little voice. Tyoki saw Crim gagging.  
  
"NO! YOU CAN'T DIE!!!!" Tyoki screamed running towards Crim. She ran  
behind Crim and gave him the heimlich maneuver. The pickle suddenly flew  
out of Crim's mouth and landed right in front of Tsukasa.  
"EEW!! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!" Tsukasa screamed jumping back.  
"Hey! Wait for me!!" Sora said following Tsukasa. Crim cleared his throat  
and turned towards Tyoki.  
"Thanks a lot!! Hey..are your free on Friday!!" Crim asked.  
"NO!!" Mimiru screamed running towards Tyoki. "She..uh..has to help me  
wash my dog on Friday!!!!" Mimiru quickly dragged Tyoki away.  
"NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME MY LOVE!!!!" Crim said pointing and running  
towards Sora.  
"Forget this..I'm going home..this is way too weird!!" Bear said. He  
logged off. Lorelei followed.  
"I'll be back for you and you're JUICY pickle too!!" Crim laughed evily as  
he logged off.  
  
"THANK YOU TSUKASA!!" Sora said hugging the wave master's leg. Bear  
suddenly logged back in. He suddenly stabbed Sora in the back. The Bear  
took Tsukasa and logged off..again..this time with Tsukasa. The sword fell  
out of Sora's back. Then a loud gust of wind blew and a tumble weed flew  
right past Sora.  
"Nobody loves me..Nobody cares...." he said.  
Mimiru and Tyoki were talking.  
"Where'd Crim go.." Tyoki asked not know he logged off.  
"CRIM!! WHERE!!" Sora said in a panic. He started running around really  
rapidly. He finally took cover behind Mimiru and Tyoki.  
"GET LOST!!" Mimiru said while punching him right into BT. Mimiru then  
logged off. Tyoki followed Mimiru's lead. BT and Sora later logged off  
and everyone lived happily ever after for!the rest of the day!!!!  
Vtm: Well that's it for the fifth chapter!!!!  
Dotbf: Yup! Yup!  
Sora: Runs in to where the authoresses are HIDE ME! HIDE ME!  
Dotbf: Scratches her head and puts a big bucket over Sora  
Crim: Runs in WHERE IS HE! WHERE IS HE! I SAW HIM COME THIS WAY!!  
Vtm: Who?  
Crim: Sora!!  
Dotbf: YUP!! HE WENT THAT WAY!!!! Pointing up a tree  
Crim: Looks up at the tree I'M COMING MY LOVE!!!! Climbs up the tree  
Dotbf: Takes bucket off of Sora  
Sora: THANK YOU!!  
Crim: Huh..looks down SORA!! falls out of the tree  
Sora: AHH!! HELP ME!! runs away  
Crim: COME BACK MY LOVE!!!! runs after Sora  
Vtm: Well that was..uh..unusual..  
Dotbf: Yeah..  
Vtm and Dotbf: WELL..REVIEW PLEASE!  
Vtm: Assuming that you already read it..If you just scrolled down then..  
Vtm and Dotbf: SHAME ON YOU!!!! GO BACK AND READ IT OR WE'LL SICK SETO  
KAIBA ON YOU!!!!  
Seto: MY ASS!!  
Vtm: Well..until next time!!!! CYA!!!! 


	6. weird intro to wedding

Dotbf: Welcome back to another wonderful chapter of one messed up .hack fic!

Vtm: Yes! Be prepared to be disturbed!

Dotbf: Well anywho..disclaimer time!

Vtm: runs off for a moment

..waiting..

Vtm: comes back..dragging Sniper..

Sniper: Let go of me!!

Vtm: Not until you do the disclaimer!

Sniper: glares Fine..puts several dice in his hand

Dotbf: holds up a board

Sniper: flicks the dice at the board..when each dice hits the board a letter appears....

....about five seconds later....

Sniper: There..walks away....

Vtm and Dotbf: look at the board..

THE BOARD READS....

Vtm and Dotbf DO NOT own any part of .hack, yu yu hakusho,Pirates of the Carribean, db..dbz..dbgt, or Rurouni Kenshin!! Lorelei is owned by Vtm and Tyoki is owned by Dotbf....

Dotbf: and in case we missed anything..the only thing we own is out characters..and..ourselves..everything else belongs to other people!!

Vtm: Ah..well now that that's done with....

Dotbf and Vtm:....ON WITH THE STORY!!!!

CHAPTER 6

It was another "normal" day in "the world." Everyone was hanging around Mac Anu bored.

"Man i'm so bored!!" she complained.

"Complain complain complain..that's all you do.." Tyoki said as she thought of Crim. Mimiru growled at her. Bear rolled his eyes.

"Break it up! Break it up!" he said with boredom.

Suddenly Crim logged in.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..BOYS AND GIRLS!! THIS IS YOUR ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER TO DATE A HOT AND SEXY GUY....ME!!" Crim said as he struck a macho man pose.

Everyone slowly turned around. Tyoki was about to run towards Crim, but then she saw him and stopped. Everyone stared at Crim speechless as they looked him up and down, Mimiru then got up the nerve to speak.

"Wh..what the hell are you wearing!?" she asked. (use your imaginations here..for we do not tell u what he's wearing..that is for u to determine for yourselves....well....have fun!!)

Sora stared at the deranged long arm.

"Now I've gotta admit that's sexy..even for Crim!" The male twin blade said. Everyone looked at Sora. Crim's eyes became all watery.

"Oh..you..really do love me!!" Crim cried grasping Sora in a hug. Sora struggled . Crim then put his mouth to Sora's ear.

"You know..I heard that a hot long arm like me and a sexy twin blade like yourself can make beautiful babies together!!" Crim said. Sora immediately got out of Crim's grip and slapped him across the face. Crim put a hand to the big red spot on his face and smirked a bit. "That's okay..i'll get ya later..when you least expect it!" Crim said. Sora shuddered and hid behind Tsukasa again. Everyone looked at Sora who was curled up in a fetal position sucking his thumb shuddering and shaking with fear of Crim liking him. They shook their heads.

"Ya know..now i'm actually starting to feel sorry for Sora now..I mean..look at him..its..well..miserable.." Mimiru said.

"Yeah..you're right..it is sad.." Tsukasa said.

"Oh come on people!!" Crim said impatiently. Everyone turned back and looked at him blankly and blinking.

Suddenly they heard some singing.

"When..the..moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie its..amore.."

BT looked towards the water.

"Oh..Kite.." she said.

"KITE! WHERE!? MAYBE HE COULD HELP US!!" Sora said standing up and rapidly looking around,

Kite docked and walked out to the others.

"Hey..what's up?" he asked.

"NO!! GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Tsukasa said lunging towards Kite and pushing him back.

"Hey! What's the big idea!" Kite said getting up.

"Keep away from him! He's trying to hit on everyone! If you get close enough..you'll be his next victim!!" Tsukasa said.

"Oh..you're hallucinating." Kite said walking up to Crim and tapping him on the shoulder.

"Hm.." Crim said turning around. He spotted Kite. "Hey..you're sexy..who are you?" How about a movie Friday night?" Crim asked.

"....Uh...." was all Kite could say. He ran back to Tsukasa almost knocking her down. "I'M SORRY FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU!!!!" Kite said hugging you please get off me...." Tsukasa said.

Just then the "evil" authoresses appeared walking around Mac Anu. Then they spotted the .hack cast and walked up to them. Everyone suddenly spotted them and gasped.

"OH NO!! IT'S THE AUTHORESSES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!" Tsukasa screamed.

"IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!" Bear yelled.

"..Uh.." Kite scratched his head "..authoresses..?"

"..Kite..lets just put it this way..as long a you're in this fanfic..they're gods.." Tsukasa explained. Kite gasped and bowed down over and over before the authoresses. Everyone developed sweat drops.

Dotbf: Uh..you..uh.. really..don't have to do that..

Kite continued bowing.

Vtm and Dotbf: look at each other..then back at Kite WE COMMAND YOU TO STOP!!!!

"Eep...." Kite said.

"Wait..but what're you doing down here? Don't you belong up there?" Mimiru asked as she pointed towards the sky. Everyone looked up.

Vtm: Well if you would all kindly look back towards us we'll explain to you that we have a problem.

Everyone looked at them.

"A problem..with what?" Bear questioned.

Dotbf: ..The..plot..

"...." Everyone looked at the authoresses blankly.

Dotbf: sighs heavily what I mean is..WE CAN'T FIGURE OUT A FREAKIN' PLOT FOR THIS FREAKIN' THING!!!!

Vtm: DAMN YOU WRITERS BLOCK!!!!

Everyone gasped.

"W..well..what's gonna happen then?" Kite asked.

Vtm and Dotbf:..Well..

Suddenly Jack Sparrow flew in from out of nowhere.

"Ha ha ha ha!! Where's me rum!!" Jack asked. Everyone looked at Jack Sparrow.

"...Who the hell are you.." Kite asked. Jack Sparrow fell anime style.

"Wha..you mean you never heard of the great...." Jack Sparrow was interrupted by a loud scream.

"AHHHH!!!!!! WHERE IS MY ASS! MY ASS! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE MY BELOVED ASS IS!?!?" Kaiba screamed as he came flying by on his wheel chair.

"..Um..now..that was..uh..random.." Bear said.

Vtm:..Um..it's gonna get worse.

"Oh? How?" BT asked.

Vtm: pulls out a revolver and shoots BT Like that..

BT dissapeared. Sora looked towards the sky.

"Um..guys..why is the moon out in the daytime?" Sora asked. Everyone looked up.

"..Um..I don't think that's the moon.." Bear said.

"What makes you think that Bear?" Mimiru asked.

"Um..maybe because there is a giant crack in the middle....and i'm pretty sure that the moon doesn't have a mole...." Bear said. Kaiba wheeled back.

"MY ASS! MY ASS! IT CAME BACK FOR ME!!" he screamed wheeling off.

"Uh..that was well..wierd.." Lorelei said.

"We need to think of a plot and quick before the randomness get even more out of hand!!" Mimiru said.

"But how can it get more random then that!?" Tsukasa asked.

Suddenly Goku appeared out of nowhere and mooned everyone. Kenshin and Sano popped up and started singing:

"Blue moon..you caught me standing alone...."

"Um.." Bear said. Suddenly chibi Hiei appeared

"Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul.." he sang. Everyone looked at him.

"Who are you..and why the hell are you here?" Mimiru asked.

Hiei changed back to regular form.

"My identity is of no concern to you....However..as for the reason i'm here.." Hiei reached into his pant pocket and pulled out a piece of Paper. He unfolded it and showed it to everyone. "I found this flier..." The flier had a picture of Crim on it and the words: "Lonely..lover wanted...." Everyone sweat dropped.

"Hey..I remember this guy!!" Crim said taking a long look at Hiei.

"If it has to do with your love life we don't wanna hear it!" Bear said.

"Oh no..we just screwed each other in front of my house with nothing on.." Crim joked. Hiei put his hands up defensively.

"Hey..he said it..not me!!" the fire demon said.

"Oh..eww..eww.." everyone said disgusted. Mimiru smacked Crim upside the head.

Vtm: well anyway back to the problem at hand..

Dotbf: Yeah..we don't want this to be a completely pointless chapter....

Vtm: So..Does anyone have any ideas?!

"Hm..well didn't you mention earlier about that silver dude and that angel chic having kids....by chance..were they..married?" Jack Sparrow asked.

Vtm and Dotbf: look at each other.. ..uh..whoops..

Dotbf: ..heh..guess we forgot to add that now didn't we..

"Yes..yes you did.." Jack said.

"But who are ya gonna get to play the priest?" Kite asked.

Vtm and Dotbf: look at Jack with evil smirks

Jack sees them.

"Oh no..HELL NO!!!!" he said.

Vtm and Dotbf: PLEASE!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!

Vtm: whispers to him we'll give you a whole keg of rum in you do!!"

Jack sighed.

"Very well.." he said.

Vtm and Dotbf: cheering

Everyone looked at them clueless..

Vtm and Dotbf: LET THE WEDDING BEGIN!!!!

"Oh no..WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!!" everyone screamed.

Dotbf: Well that's it..

Vtm: Hope ya liked it..stay tuned for the next chapter!!

Dotbf: Well please review!!

Vtm and Dotbf: THANK YOU!!!!


	7. the wedding part one

Dotbf: Welcome to yet another wonderful chapter of one messed up .hack fic!!!!

Vtm: One messed up .hack fic indeed!!

Crim: Why do you call it messed up!?

Dotbf and Vtm: ..uh..

Crim: This is perfectly normal for me!!

Vtm: Well..uh..yeah..riiiight....picks him up and kicks him to the moon

Crim: AHHHH!!!!....Ooh..wait..i've always wanted to go to the moon!!

Vtm:....Baka....

Dotbf:sweat drop....Hmm..yeah..uh..well..anyway..um..who was supposed to do the disclaimer this time??

Vtm: Um..looks through giant book of people....um..Sailor Moon..but..uh..she..uh..got attacked by a bunch of rabid pigtail eating ferrets....May she rest in pieces....

Dotbf:....Uh..huh..so now what?

Vtm:..Um....flips through book..uh..seems like everyone either took the day off, are on vacation, or are in critical condition at the hospital..from our stories....

Dotbf: shrugs Looks like we'll just have to do them ourselves....

Suddenly the Tales of the Crypt keeper popped up in his coffin..

Tales of the Crypt Keeper: Meet my new wife!! Holds up Sailor Moon's head

Vtm and Dotbf: ....Uh..

Vtm:....Well as long as you're here would you mind doing the disclaimer for us?

Tales of the Crypt Keeper:..The..what??

Dotbf: shoves a sheet of paper in front of him Just read off of this..okay..

Tales of the Crypt Keeper:..Uh..okay..Dotbf and Vtm DO NOT own ANYTHING WHATSOEVER in this story except themselves..Lorelei and Tyoki..sadly they are not in this chapter..but WE STILL OWN OURSELVES!!

Dotbf: Thank you..Now you may go..

Tales of the Crypt Keeper and Sailor Moon's head leave.

Vtm:..Uh..that was just plain weird..

Dotbf:..Umm..you said it!

Vtm: Now for the story!! Read and enjoy!!

Chapter 7

Tons of guests poured into the chapter. Sora was playing and out of tune version of "here comes the bride" on an organ. Yes..well you can see everything is starting out normally. After everyone took their seats Jack Sparrow walked down the isle and up to the front of the chapel.

"Remind me..why am I doing this again?" Jack complained.

Vtm: pulls out a keg of rum Relax Jack, it's all for the rum. puts rum back

"STOP THE MUSIC!! WHERE THE HECK ARE THE BRIDE AND GROOM!! THE SOONER WE START THE SOONER I CAN HAVE ME RUM!!" Jack demanded. Sora immediately stopped playing. Jack hunted down Silver Knight and Subaru. When he found them he dragged them into the chapel wedding place and kicked them. He meant to kick them towards the alter..but instead they went through the roof. Everyone looked up. Jack looked at the authoresses and glared. "You better double the size of that keg before I go through this shit.." he said.

Vtm and Dotbf: nod

A few minutes later everyone heard screams and looked up.

"Well it's about time!" Tsukasa said. Silver Knight and Subaru fell on top of Jack.

"TRIPLE!!!!" Jack screamed. "GET THE HELL OFF ME!!!!"

Silver Knight and Subaru obeyed. Jack got up and sighed heavily.

"Boys and Girls..we are gathered here today to tie the knot between Silver..uh..yak guy..and..uh..angel girl.." Jack Sparrow said.

Bear whipped out a megaphone.

"SILVER KNIGHT AND SUBARU!!!!" he yelled.

"Uh..yeah..whatever he said.." Jack said. "In holy macaroni..er..matromony.."

BT: 'Man this is SO boring'

Mimiru: 'Wow! I never would've guessed..Silver Knight and Subaru..

Jack: Blah..Blah..Blah..Blah..Blah..

Hiei: singing Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul!

Yugi: clonks Hiei on the head

Hiei: shakes his head Hm..thanks..starts humming it

Yugi: sighs He's hopeless..

Jack: Blah..Blah..Blah..Blah..

Crim: SUBARU WHY!! YOU WERE SO HOT!!

Jack: SHUT UP!!!! continues

Vtm: Hurry up come on we don't have all day!

Dotbf: Yeah! Skip forward!

Jack: Okay okay....

Kite: sleeping Z..z..z..z..z..z..z..z

Natsume: looking at Kite and sighs So..cute..

Tsukasa: 'Weddings are SO boring'

Kenshin:..Oro..Oro..Oro..Oro..

Sano: 'Loaf of bread..stick of butter..can of soup..loaf of bread..stick of butter..can of soup..stick of soup..loaf of butter..can of bread..stick of soup..loaf of butter..can of bread..' stands up OH NO MY SHOPPING LIST!!!!

"Do you silver yak take this car to be your awfully..er lawfully wedded vehicle.." Jack said.

"Uh..yes.." Silver Knight replied.

"And do you Subaru take this goat thing to be your husband.." Jack continued.

"YES!!" Subaru cried as tears streamed down her face. Everyone was so silent that you could hear crickets. They (the people not the crickets) rolled their eyes.

"Good! I now pronounce you hitched..NOW GIMME ME RUM!! Three over sized kegs of rum fell on Jack. "YAY!! ME RUM!!"

Vtm: Well that's it for the wedding!!

Dotbf: Now for the after party!!

Vtm: Now that you've read..Please review!!

Vtm and Dotbf: WELL UNTIL NEXT TIME!! CYA!!


End file.
